LIFE&LOVE

The best way to settle disputes between partners

n my environment, I notice a particular couple who are always at each other necks, they quarrel most of the time, disturbing the peace of the neighborhood and I began to wonder what could be the cause of their almost every day fight.  Even on the pages of newspaper, there are cases of husbands beating up their wives, boyfriends assaulting their girlfriends and this prompted me to observe and engage in a discussion with few married people to know the causes of disputes and how it can be resolved.

I got talking with a married woman; Mrs. Funmi Adebayo who stays in Lagos and she said one of things that causes dispute which also had one time happened to her is the issue of time taken to get ready for an outing with your partner.

She said; “this is funny but the blame is usually on women because they would want to look all good for an occasion thereby taking a lot of time to dress up, make up and this sometimes sprouts up anger in the husband who doesn’t seem to understand. This then causes arguments between them.”

Femi Williams; a student of Oduduwa University also stated the Ex factor as one of the causes of disputes, he said an issue came up one time in his relationship where he noticed his girlfriend was frequently talking with her Ex and he said he was uncomfortable with it in which he told his girlfriend but the lady misunderstood him thinking he was insecure, he said they later settled it after some weeks. He said; ‘’ keeping a good word with your ex might be a wise thing to do but might not get well with your present partner.

Another issue which causes quarrels has to do with money – money has always played a crucial role in one’s life and also in the life of partners and argument might occur if the income gap is huge between partner; that is the wife might earn more than the husband and this reduces the ego of a man and so the husband might bring up unnecessary quarrel between them.

Hygiene is another issue that causes frequent disputes among couples. For example the woman would want everything to be clean, neatly arranged and everything kept at a proper place, but the husband might be carefree about all this and would leave everything scattered around the house. This is the point when the argument starts and sometimes it becomes a daily routine.

Having looked at some of the causes of disputes, how then can disputes be resolved?

  • SET BOUNDARIES;everyone deserves to be treated with respect – even during an argument. If your partner curses at you, calls you names or ridicules you, tell them to stop. If they don’t, walk away and tell them that you don’t want to continue arguing right now.
  • FIND THE REAL ISSUE;typically, arguments happen when one partner’s wants are not being met. Try to get to the heart of the matter. If your partner seems needy, maybe they are just feeling insecure and need your encouragement. If you’re angry that your partner isn’t taking out the trash, maybe you’re really upset because you feel like you do all the work around the house. Learn to talk about the real issue so you can avoid constant fighting.
  • AGREE TO DISAGREE;If you and your partner can’t resolve an issue, sometimes it’s best to drop it. You can’t agree on everything. Focus on what matters. If the issue is too important for you to drop and you can’t agree to disagree, then maybe you’re not really compatible.
  • COMPROMISE WHEN POSSIBLE;Easy to say but hard to do, compromising is a major part of conflict resolution and any successful relationship. So your partner wants Chinese food and you want Indian? Compromise and get Chinese tonight, but Indian next time you eat out. Find a middle ground that can allow both of you to feel satisfied with the outcome.
  • CONSIDER EVERYTHING;Is this issue really important? Does it change how the two of you feel about each other? Are you compromising your beliefs or morals? If yes, it’s important that you really stress your position. If not, maybe this is a time for compromise. Also, consider your partner’s arguments. Why are they upset? What does the issue look like from their point of view? It is unusual for your partner to get this upset? Does your partner usually compromise? Are you being inconsiderate?
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